I'll tell you a story, believe me, it's true

A tale you'd best hope never happens to you

Old Spicy McHaggis, how he met his fate

You I can save, but for him it's too late



Spicy was big, burly and strong

His pipes were gigantic, and so was his schlong!

From city to city, running around

Always looking for chicks over four hundred pounds



One night at the pub, a girl caught his eye

Big as a house, just the right size

The broad was enormous, stacked to the hilt

Spicy soon noticed a bulge in his kilt



The piper delivered his best pick-up line

Thought to himself, "This beast is all mine!"

The portly young lady could stand for no more

Grabbed his cojones and went for the door



They got to her house and dimmed all the lights

Spicy was in for one hell of a night

He said that he loved her, he'd always be true

"But Mr. McHaggis, I've only just met you!"



By now he saw double through his drunken eyes

Neither had looks or appropriate size

He came to his senses, thought to himself

"At this time at night, I will find nothing else"



He took of his shirt, she lifted her skirt

They pulled out his unit and started to play

She asked for a glove, he gave her a shove

Had baby McHaggis nine months to-the-day



Spicy, Spicy, Spicy, Spicy, Spicy, Spicy, Spicy, Spicy!



One night at the pub, a girls caught his eye

Big as a house, just the right size

The broad was enormous, stacked to the hilt

Spicy soon noticed a bulge in his kilt



The piper delivered his best pick-up line

Thought to himself, "This beast is all mine!"

The portly young lady could stand for no more

Grabbed his cojones and went for the door



Three packs a day he'll smoke until he dies

Spicy McHaggis, one hell of a guy!



"I don't know what you all are talking about, and who drank all my beer?!"