If your ass is a Chinese restaurant I'll have the poo-poo platter 

My friend Jerry Vandergrift kissed me in Home Ec. class 

Later in the afternoon some jarheads in the locker room kicked my ass 

I said guys I'm like you I like Monster Trucks too 



Want to see how many push-ups I can do? 

I just wish I was queer so I could get chicks 

Chicks dig guys that are 

Queer guys that don't dig 



Chicks that don't dig guys like me 

See I'm not queer I'm too ugly 

But if I were handsome just imagine how great it would be 

Incognito as gay though but not actually that way though pseudo homo 



Phony 

Maybe it's a stupid theory or maybe just stupidity 

But if I was a queerbee in the fashion industry 

Scoring with a super model would be easy 



Cause 'super model' means voluptuous but is also is synonymous with 

'Super dumb' 

Ya see I'd be a good listener so she'd treat me like a sister and soon 



That trusted friend that cares that rubs her back and braids her hair 

No it wouldn't be a week before I'm in her underwear 

I wish I was queer so I could get chicks 

Chicks dig guys that are 



Queer guys that don't dig 

Chicks that don't dig guys like me 

See I'm not queer I'm too ugly 

Doesn't matter what I'm packin' in my denim it's what's in my genes 



The only smoked meat the only sausage I would eat is made by Jimmy 

Dean 

See I'm not to keen on the smell of Vaseline 

No I'm not Princess Di and I don't want to be a queen 



I wish I was queer so I could get chicks 

Anyway if I were gay I'd have to change my name to Dirk or Lewis 

Hang out with my mom's hair stylist his name is Kip he's got a lisp he 

Talks like this 



And wear my mother's lingerie learn the songs of Broadway 

And appreciate Depeche Mode and avant garde ballet 

I wish I was queer so I could get chicks 

Chicks dig guys that are 



Queer guys that don't dig 

Chicks dig guys that are 

Queer guys that don't dig 

Chicks dig guys that are 



Queer guys that don't dig 

Chicks that don't dig guys like me 

See I'm not queer I'm too ugly 

And I don't shave my heiny 



Don't shave my heiny 

See I'm not queer I'm too ugly