Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop...you know the place...Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy...except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning my

mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast.



Every single mornin'! It was driving me crazy.





That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels are oh so fluffy! Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!



Wocka wocka, doo doo, yeah!



Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true. Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize. That's right, a first class, one-way ticket...



to Albuquerque! Albuquerque!



Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta tell ya, it was really great... except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor. And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore...and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out, and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died. Except for me. You know why?



'Cause I had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position



Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Aahhh. So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone and my 12-pound bowlin' ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel. But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn where the towels are oh so fluffy! And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they're clean.



Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the A/C, and I turned on the SpectraVision, and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much, when suddenly there's a knock on the door. Well, now, who could that be?



I say, "Who is it?" No answer.

"Who is it?" There's no answer.

"WHO IS IT!?" They're not sayin' anything.

So finally, I go over and I open the door, and just as I suspected, it's some big, fat hermaphrodite with a flock of seagulls, haircut, and only one nostril. Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right.



So, anyway, he bursts into my room, and he grabs my lucky snorkel, and I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me."



And he's like, "Tough!"

And I'm like, "Give it!"

And he's like, "Make me!"

And I'm like, "'kay!"



So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out his appendix and he gave a colonic irrigation, yes indeed, you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook. And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said? I'll tell ya what it said! It said:



"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.

If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.

If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.

If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator."



In Albuquerque! Albuquerque!



Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would not sleep for an instant, until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice. But first, I decided to buy some donuts.



So I got in my car, and I drove over to the donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter and he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want??"



I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"

He said, "Nah, we're outta glazed donuts."

I say, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"

He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts."

I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"

He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts."

I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"

He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!"

I said, "You got any apple fritters?"

He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters!"

I said, "You got any bear claws?"

He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check."



"No, we're outta bear claws!"



I said, "Well, in that case...in that case, what do you have?"

He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels."

I said, "OK, I'll take that."



So he hands me the box, and I open up the lid, and the weasels jump out and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over. Oh, man, they were just goin' nuts! They were tearin' me apart! You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head. I believe it went a little somethin' like this:



DOH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Ohhh! No, get 'em off, get 'em off! Oh, oh God, oh God! Oh, get 'em off me! Oh, oh God! Ah, AaaaaaahhhhhhhhhOhhhhhhhhhh!



I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face, wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like a constipated wiener dog. And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams. Her name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast, with a slight overbite, and hair the color of strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me. She said, "Hey, you've got weasels on your face."





So we broke up, and I never saw her again, but that's just the way things go...



In Albuquerque! Albuquerque!



Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me, because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got me a part-time job at the Sizzler! I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face. Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude.



OK, like one time, I was out in the parkin' lot, tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil, when I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. So I-I say to him, I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes, "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw."



So I did.







Anyway, um...um...where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought.



Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway, I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way of saying it, but, I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is...



I HATE SAUERKRAUT!





called Albuquerque! Albuquerque!

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)



I said A! (A!)

L! (L!)

B! (B!)

U! (U!)

.... querque! (querque!)



(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)

(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)

(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)

(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)

Al...buquerque!

*burp*

heh heh heh heh