Everybody wants a reason for everything. 
It's so much easier with

Someone or something to blame. 

I've always struggled at the

Root of the problem. 
Has it been absence or my constant lack of

Defense? 

I've never spent a lot on finding a remedy. I guess

I figured that it hurt for a reason. I guess
That's why I've always

Turned to writing it down. Not just in stories, but the letters in between.


And I guess that's why it haunts the pages of everything—to

Self-examine. 

I think the thing is that I shut off from

Everything. From friends and family and my own ambitions. From having fun.

I just shut off from everything. Self-defeating? Yeah, probably. But I

Don't know that I had total control over it. And I'm not sure it even

Matters why. Sometimes things Happen and you can't do anything. Plus, I'm

The only one who deals with it anyway. So if everyone could do me a favor

And just put their fingers down I'd—and keep your

Mouths—

Sorry. I know I seem angry. I'm not, I... I promise. I

Just know I did this to me. And I will deal with it accordingly. And I

Don't need opinions from those never a part of it. Don't need them pointing

Out my problems, they're mine. Don't need reminders I know better than

Anyone. 

And yeah, I know, I should be finding another way. I

Know that I should be out seeking a Substitute. But just forgetting never

Really made sense to me. 

So I haven't been. 

Do

I feel embarrassed about it? I think you know the answer to that. I think

You'd probably feel a Little bit embarrassed for me, wouldn't you?



I know I should've moved on ages ago, been happy already, but

It's never been that easy for me. Or maybe it was me that made it so hard.



I know I've only ever tried a handful of times to sever this

Thing torturing me. It never got me anywhere, with anyone. No friendship or

Hobby, no lover's bed worked. But looking back I Maybe never tried hard

Enough, and it is my fault. 

Maybe I never tried at all.