I'll tell you a story, believe me, it's true
A tale you'd best hope never happens to you
Old Spicy McHaggis, how he met his fate
You I can save, but for him it's too late

Spicy was big, burly and strong
His pipes were gigantic, and so was his schlong!
From city to city, running around
Always looking for chicks over four hundred pounds

One night at the pub, a girl caught his eye
Big as a house, just the right size
The broad was enormous, stacked to the hilt
Spicy soon noticed a bulge in his kilt

The piper delivered his best pick-up line
Thought to himself, "This beast is all mine!"
The portly young lady could stand for no more
Grabbed his cojones and went for the door

They got to her house and dimmed all the lights
Spicy was in for one hell of a night
He said that he loved her, he'd always be true
"But Mr. McHaggis, I've only just met you!"

By now he saw double through his drunken eyes
Neither had looks or appropriate size
He came to his senses, thought to himself
"At this time at night, I will find nothing else"

He took of his shirt, she lifted her skirt
They pulled out his unit and started to play
She asked for a glove, he gave her a shove
Had baby McHaggis nine months to-the-day

Spicy, Spicy, Spicy, Spicy, Spicy, Spicy, Spicy, Spicy!

One night at the pub, a girls caught his eye
Big as a house, just the right size
The broad was enormous, stacked to the hilt
Spicy soon noticed a bulge in his kilt

The piper delivered his best pick-up line
Thought to himself, "This beast is all mine!"
The portly young lady could stand for no more
Grabbed his cojones and went for the door

Three packs a day he'll smoke until he dies
Spicy McHaggis, one hell of a guy!

"I don't know what you all are talking about, and who drank all my beer?!"