You know what, Stuart?

I like you

You're not like the other people

Here, in the trailer park



Oh, don't go get me wrong

They're fine people

They're good Americans

But they're content to sit back



Maybe watch a little Mork & Mindy

On channel 57

Maybe kick back a cool

Coors 16-ouncer



They're good, fine people, Stuart

But they don't know

What the queers

Are doing to the soil



You know that Jonny Wurster kid?

The kid that delivers papers

In the neighborhood?

He's a foreign kid



Some of the

Neighbors say

"He smokes crack"

But, I don't believe it



Anyway, for his tenth birthday

All he wanted was a burrow owl

Kept bugging his old man

"Dad, get me a burrow owl"



"I'll never ask for anything else

As long as I live"

So the guy breaks down

And buys him a burrow owl



Anyway, ten thirty, the other night

I go out in my yard

And there's the Wurster kid

Looking up in the tree



I say, "What are you looking for?"

He says "I'm looking for my burrow owl"

I say, "Jumping Jesus

On a Pogo Stick"



"Everybody knows the burrow owl lives

In a hole, in the ground

Why the hell do you think

They call it a burrow owl, anyway?"



Now Stuart, do you think

A kid like that is going

To know what the queers

Are doing to the soil?



I first became aware

Of this about ten years ago

The summer my oldest boy

Bill Jr. died



You know that carnival comes

Into town every year?

Well, this year they came

Through with a ride called The Mixer



The man said, "Keep your head

And arms inside the Mixer at all times"

But Bill Jr, he was a Daredevil

Just like his old man



He was leaning out saying

"Hey everybody, look at me

Look at me"

Pow, he was decapitated



They found his head over

By the snow cone concession

A few days after that

I open up the mail



And there's a

Pamphlet in there

From Pueblo, Colorado

And it's addressed to Bill, Jr.



And it's entitled

'Do you know

What the queers

Are doing to our soil?'



Now, Stuart, if you look

At the soil around any large US city

There's a big underground

Homosexual population



Des Moines, Iowa, for an example

Look at the soil around Des Moines, Stuart

You can't build on it

You can't grow anything in it



The government says

"It's due to poor farming"

But I know what's

Really going on, Stuart



I know it's the queers

They're in it with the aliens

They're building landing strips

For gay Martians, I swear to God



You know what, Stuart

I like you

You're not like the other people

Here, in this trailer park